Help! We Are Not Sexually Compatible

Blog - Dr. Donna Oriowo, Sex Therapist

Recently I had the honor of meeting with Dr. Jess for her podcast, Sex with Dr. Jess and we spoke about sexual compatibility. I don’t think it’s much of a secret that I think folk use the idea of being sexually compatible as a cop out.

What I mean is that we often work hard as hell to NOT try but then blame everything on sexual compatibility. We will say there is no chemistry, that we feel off, and have really done no work. Now, you know that I am a whole assed sex and relationship therapist so ima give you a short run down on the tea spilt in that conversation with Dr. Jess.

There are levels to this

When we talk about compatibility people act like it’s a binary, which makes sense given that we think of most things as being black or white with no room for shades or gray. We are taught that things should and do fit into neat little packages so we often miss the nuance in the very things we are hoping to explore.

When it comes to relationships, there are levels to this shit. Meaning that compatibility also had levels to it. You can be compatible and in sync with regard to linking each other, how you spend time together, love languages, and how you both like sex. And you can also find that you are sexually discordant– a fancy way to say that one of you likes and desires sex more than the other.

When this happens people often are approaching a partner as if they or the partner is broken or wrong for wanting what they want. But I think of sexual desires like I would any other appetite. If you wanted cake and they didn’t while you might joke that they are weird, you wouldn't hold it against them that they don’t want any. Sex works similarly. How often we desire sex (and what kind of sex we desire) can change from day to day and moment to moment.

Alternatively speaking

After coming to grips with the whole “not broken” part of it all, you then get to choose what to do about it all. There are several options, some which may look better than others.

1. You can create a list of sexual activities that would be satisfying and in those moments when you are not on the same page, you can look to see if any of them would serve as a great sexy alternative to meeting needs without violating boundaries.

2. You can both further explore what is hitting on your sexual gas versus the sexual brakes and see if working out some of those things may help being you onto the same sexual page

3. You can explore other relationship types that allow for needs to be met while maintaining your romantic connection. Meaning maybe take a look at ethical non-monogamy. I know we are also very heavily indoctrinated into monogamy, but reimagining your relationship and considering how needs can be met, can also be hella helpful. It could also take the pressure off to perform and meet every need that your partner has. You can look at opening up romantically and having various partners, or opening up sexually only and exploring swinging etc to better meet a physical desire.

The point is this, we are not always sexually on the same page and it doesn't mean that we are broken. It also doesn’t mean its automatically time to jump ship and move on to someone else. Sometimes we need to so some extra work to explore where we are, and create workable solutions. Otherwise, you can refer to what I said at the start: you are using compatibility as a cop out to not have to work.

Feel free to check out the episode with Dr. Jess HERE