The Spirituality of Friendship

St. Mary’s Episcopal Church

In the Gospel today, Jesus told the Disciples I call you not servants, but friends. Friendship is important. It is important to our well being. There have been numerous studies that show friendship affects our physical health. People with more and deeper friendships live longer, and their years are filled with more good health. Friendship is also important to our psychological well being. There have been studies that show it reduces stress, increases joy, and makes us generally mentally healthier. Friendships are important to us.

The evolutionary psychologists tell us the reason is that we adapted over the years to need friends, because people with more friends survived longer in the really old days. The great theologian, Saint Aelred of Rievaulx, was the first and only theologian before the 21st century who did any work on the theology of friendship. He argued that the reason we need friendship is because God implanted the gift of friendship within us at creation. Rievaulx has a fascinating interpretation of how God implanted this need for friendship in the 2nd Chapter of Genesis, the second story of creation. Both evolutionary psychologists and theologians agree that there is something innate in us at creation, the way we were made, that needs friendship. It is important for our physical and psychological well-being, and I would argue it is important for our spiritual wellbeing as well.

The theologian, William James Jennings, did an exploration of this theology and the shift in it that allowed Christians to do horrible things, like engage in the slave trade, engage in segregation. One of his arguments is that there was a shift from a faith of the heart, a faith of relationship and connection, to a faith of the mind, going from intimacy to objectivity. When we did that, we were able to excuse all kinds of horrible things because we stopped caring with our hearts the way that Jesus taught us to do. I think that is what happens when we don’t have friendships. We are not engaged in relationship with people if we are not exercising those muscles of friendship. We turn inward and it causes all kinds of spiritual problems for us. Friendship is important for our spiritual well being as well.

One of the best things you can do for your wellbeing, physical, psychological, and spiritual, is to go and engage with your friends. Call a friend that you haven’t talked to in a while and check in and see how they are doing. It will make a difference in your life.

Jesus takes the importance of friendship to a whole new level in the Gospel today. He says not only can we be friends with each other, but we can be friends with God. This is a remarkable claim for the people first hearing this, who were interested in Greek culture and the words of Aristotle. Aristotle said that you cannot be friends with God. It is impossible. And Jesus says, no. The Father and I are one. I am in the Father and the Father is in me. We can be friends. “What a friend we have in Jesus,” as the hymn says. We can be friends with God through Christ.

What does it mean to be a friend with God? How do we become friends with God? It is no different than any other friendship. How do you make friends? How do you keep friends? The first and most important thing is show up to them. Be near them. Be in their presence. There is a study done of elementary school children that looked at friendships and proximity. They looked at friendship circles and where they sat in the classroom, and found that the number one indicator of who their friend was going to be was how close they sat to them. People on the other side of the room are not going to be as close to you as those who sit in the desk next to you. Proximity matters. We have to be present to people in order to be friends. The pandemic did a number on that. It forced us apart. We need to be with each other. We have that innate need to be with others, to be in relationship. To be friends with people we have to be present with them, to show up to them. The same thing with God. Show up to God, be present with Him. That is what you have all done this morning. You here and those online have shown up to be with God. We are trying to spend time with God. That is what friends do.

This is good. It is an hour with our friend, an hour with God. But there are 167 more hours in the week, so we could also find ways to spend time during the week with God. How do we do that? We do that in prayer, talking to God, listening to God. That is what friends do. They are in each other’s presence. They engage in things together.

Friends do other things together, like going fishing, getting coffee. You can do these things with God as well. There is a monk in France, Brother Lawrence of the Resurrection, who wrote a book, shared it with his friends, but told them not to tell anybody. And what did the friends do but publish it after he died. That is fantastic for us because now we have all his writings. Brother Lawrence had an idea called “Practicing the Presence of God” where in all things you are doing you imagine God there with you. What is it like while God is there with you while you are driving the car? It’s a simple thing. It doesn’t add too much to what you are already doing. But let God be there with you and engage in relationship building. Brother Lawrence was the monastery cobbler and the cook, two jobs he absolutely hated. But he said it didn’t matter because God was with him. God made it interesting as he did all the boring tasks. So spend some time with God, not just now but throughout the week.

The second thing you need for a friendship is affection, care. You have to be interested in the person. Dare I say you need to love them, as Jesus talks about. He is connecting friendship and love because they are critical to each other. We need to care about the other person or it’s not really a friendship. One of the best things you can do for a friendship is to ask the person, how are you doing? And then listen to them actively. Not listening and thinking of what you are going to say next, but really listening to what they are saying. Support them if they need support. The same is true with our friendship with God, focusing on love. Telling God that we love Him, and looking for all the ways that God is showing His love for us. Our wonderful opening hymn this morning talks about all the gifts that God rains down on us, all signs of God’s love for us. The practice of gratitude, being able to name all the wonderful things that God is doing for us, draws us closer to God. It helps us build our friendship. Showing up and loving are what friendships are about, either with each other, or with God. So show up to each other and show up to God. Love each other, and love God.

So, my friends, I hope you will do that this week. I hope you will reach out to a friend that you have, maybe someone you have not spoken with in a while, and connect with them. Show them you love them by your interest in what they are doing. And show up to God. Have a conversation with God. Remind God that you love Him, and look for all the ways that God loves you, without reservation, without question. God loves you.

AMEN.