Ep.39 Clare’s Trashcan

The Chicken Mind Nuggets's Podcast

Chicken Mind Nuggets.

Hosted by Wifey

Chickenmindnuggets.com

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@mindchicken

References for this episode

Introduction music graciously provided by

Music from https://filmmusic.io
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

Show script: (may differ slightly from spoken word)

I applied for a job at a restaurant that served vegetarian and vegan food when I lived on the East Coast. I didn’t have a lot of work experience, but I had restaurant experience and I really believed in the message this restaurant was portraying. The owner, Clare, seemed wholesome and did a lot for the community. Her food was authentic and went far beyond the frozen vegan burgers you get at the supermarket, and went deep into the realm of, “is this REALLY vegan carrot cake?” Her food was expensive, at the time it was $8.00 for a burger, which was a lot for me who was a broke and broken 20-something year old trying to make it in an expensive East Coast city. Unless you had the funds to move out of there, you were stuck being broke because the jobs didn’t pay well, the taxes were high, and the cost of living was high which meant you were often working 2 or 3 jobs just to live.

I put together a fancy resume, which for me was fancy because it portrayed who I was and where I worked, which didn’t consist of much, but I put my best foot forward. I heard Clare was hard to work for, but I really wanted her to know I was worth a shot, that I was worth a chance. There wasn’t anyone else at the time who thought I was worth a dam, so it was up to me to convince strangers that I was worth a dam. I went into the restaurant and asked if Clare was there. Her employee said yes, I will get her, she’s in the back. I’m excited, this restaurant is known around the metropolitan area for their food, awards, and supporting local farmers. I might have a chance to work here and thrive.

Clare comes out, “can I help you?” She said with a “you’re bothering me” type of look. I said hello, I introduced myself, and I said I am interested in working for you. I handed her my resume. She said, “it says here you worked at so and so for 6 months?” I said yes, which was met with a “what are you doing here” look. To clarify, this so and so job was a demeaning retail job that I only quit because I found a better job at a library. I gave my proper 2 weeks-notice and didn’t leave on bad terms. Clare was tall, I am 5’3. She towered over me and looked down at me and my resume and looked back a me again. She said, “thank you,” turned around, and threw my resume in the trashcan behind her counter.

I was devastated. She didn’t even give me a chance. She decided that the person on the paper was not worth her time, and the 3-minute interaction we had was all she needed to determine if I am worth paying. It hurt. It hurt badly because it was another person who said I am not worth a dam, and threw me out in front the whole restaurant. You know what I did? I ordered a burger. I went into the park across the street, and ate it. It is possible she was having a bad day, and I caught her at the worst time. I could have caught her on a good day, and this is how she interacts with people, I heard she is hard to work for, so maybe this is what other people went through. Either way, I was thrown out, into the rubbish. Dismissed.

It took me a long time to process the thought that I AM worth looking at and giving a chance to. Sometimes I still don’t think I am worth a dam, but I do know I am not worth throwing in the garbage.

We sometimes treat ourselves like someone who throws us out because we feel we deserve punishment for out actions. We did something terrible; how could we forgive ourselves? It was so out of character, out of place, how in the world can I ever get over this? Just letting it go doesn’t work because it haunts, the monster comes back to eat more happy moments and shits out depression. I am bad, I am shameful, I am full of horrible, I have done terrible things and this is my definition and the definition from others.

I get it my friend. This is a hard situation to get out of. May I ask you a question? If you were the only person on Earth, who’s opinion of you would matter? It would only be yours, because you are the only person on Earth, right? Now, what if there are 2 people on Earth, who’s opinion of you would matter? Well maybe you want to consider the feedback from the other person, but just because someone else showed up on the planet doesn’t take the power of your self-talk away. You can’t hate yourself into being better. The disgust you have with yourself, the drive that you feel to get rid of these thoughts, can be good motivation to do something totally opposite of what you have done. Maybe you did drugs, and you hurt a lot of people in the process. How unforgivable, you say. You tell this to yourself every day, but you haven’t used the shame to start living a wholesome life. If you did 30 things that were bad, and you have shame for 30 things, do 1 good thing, and watch as the weight of your shame now feels like 29 things. Then do 1 more good thing. Now watch the shame be the weight of 28 things. Now do one more thing, and feel the weight of 28 things become 27 things. Keep this going, you will start to feel better. It doesn’t make up for the bad things, but it counteracts the weight. It balances out. The weight is what has been defining you as a person. You tell yourself, “I’m so bad,” but after 30 good acts you start to feel like a better person, just like after 30 bad acts you start to feel like a bad person. Your definition changes as your acts change. And the perception you give to the world changes.

You have always been worth a dam; despite the changes and actions you took. You were never a bad person; you just did acts that were against the grain and not in alignment with good intentions. You are worth every second of your existence on Earth. You are worth being looked at for more than 3 minutes and you are certainly worth more than what you write on paper. You are worth it my friend. You have value. You are amazing. If anyone tries to throw you out, just know, they are really throwing themselves out because they are losing on an opportunity to know you. You don’t belong in Clare’s trashcan. You belong here, on Earth, with the rest of us faulty beings, taking one day at a time.

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