How to Let Go of Shame and the Need for Validation [297]

Flying Free

In today’s episode, I have a powerful and insightful discussion with guest speaker Bob Hamp as part of a live Q&A we did with members of the Flying Free Kaleidoscope about the complexities of emotions, particularly anger, and the challenges faced by those in emotionally abusive relationships. Here’s a summary of the key points and concepts:

1. Understanding Emotions:

• Emotions as Drivers: Emotions are energy in motion that propel us forward and should be embraced rather than repressed.
• Indicators of Inner States: Emotions serve as indicators (like a dashboard) that reveal our internal states and beliefs, particularly anger, which signals that a boundary has been crossed.
• Anger as a Response: Anger can be a protective response to repeated boundary violations, masking deeper emotions such as pain or fear.

2. The Need for Validation:

• Craving Validation: After experiencing emotional abuse, individuals often seek external validation to affirm their feelings and experiences due to a distorted self-image created by the abuser.
• Living in a House of Mirrors: Emotional abusers create an environment where one’s self-perception is constantly challenged and distorted, leading to confusion and self-doubt.
• Research on Healing: Studies show that validation from others can help regulate the nervous system and facilitate healing for trauma survivors.

3. Mutual Abuse vs. Conflictual Enmeshment:

• Mutual Abuse: This term suggests that both parties are equally culpable, but in abusive dynamics, there’s often a power differential where one partner exerts control over the other.
• Conflictual Enmeshment: This involves two people blaming each other for their issues without one holding more power over the other. The dynamics can feel like mutual blame, but there's usually a more dominant party in emotionally abusive situations.

4. Setting Boundaries:

• Empowerment Through Boundaries: Establishing personal boundaries is essential. Boundaries involve controlling one’s response to others rather than attempting to control others' behaviors.
• Responses to Boundaries: Abusers often react negatively to boundaries, framing them as controlling behaviors. Recognizing this is crucial in identifying an abusive dynamic.

5. Independence and Self-Validation:

• Moving Towards Independence: The journey from dependence to independence is critical for emotional and relational health. The goal is to validate oneself rather than rely on others for validation.
• Finding Self-Worth: Ultimately, the most empowering position is to own your self-worth, which frees you from the need for external validation and allows for healthier relationships.

6. Practical Steps Forward:

• Healing Courses: Engaging in resources like courses focused on healing relationships with oneself can aid in developing self-validation and independence. We have a course called “Healing Your Relationship with Yourself” inside of the Flying Free Kaleidoscope. Join today to get access to that course as well as many others!

Read the show notes and/or ask Natalie a question here

Related Resources:

• Connect with Bob on Facebook and Twitter, and take a look at his program, Think Differently Academy.
• Check out Bob’s “Think Differently” book series.
• Listen to more episodes of the Flying Free Podcast that we’ve done with Bob: Episode 1, Episode 76, and Episode 277,
• Are you wondering what is happening inside your own painful and confusing marriage? I wrote another book just for you called Is It Me? Making Sense of Your Confusing Marriage: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Hidden Emotional and Spiritual Abuse.
• My newest book, All the Scary Little Gods, is a spiritual memoir about healing from religious trauma and toxic programming.
• Flying Free is my online membership program designed for Christian women in emotionally abusive marriages. Whether you want to stay in your marriage or leave, we want to equip and support you through this program.
• Flying Higher is my online membership program for divorced Christian women. Come rebuild your life after divorce with women just like you.

Bob Hamp is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist as well as an author and teacher. His life message has always been about freedom and healing. He and his wife, Polly, are the founders of Think Differently Academy, an online community for training, personal growth and healing. He and Polly have six kids and six grandkids with one more on the way.