Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it?

Letters to my kids: A suicide survivor's lessons and advice for life

Episode 28 - Loving Yourself: How can you love others without it?

Music: “Just A Blip” by Andy G. Cohen From the Free Music Archive Released under a Creative Commons Attribution International License

http://www.beliefnet.com/columnists/lessonsfromarecoveringdoormat/2013/01/self-esteem-vs-self-love.html https://coachcampus.com/coach-portfolios/power-tools/silvia-richter-kaupp-self-love-vs-self-esteem/ https://christieinge.com/self-love-quotes/

Self-esteem

- Most people determine their worth based upon other-esteem. They seek approval and validation from others, and their opinion of themselves isn’t very high unless they get it. It’s basically what you think of yourself. The biggest obstacle to self-esteem is self-criticism.

Self-Acceptance

- Unlike self-esteem which varies, self-acceptance is steady and unconditional. You accept yourself despite your flaws, failures, and limitations. You’re more self-forgiving and let go of self-judgment.

Self-acceptance works wonders. Once you start accepting yourself, you gradually stop worrying what others think and become more spontaneous and natural. Self-acceptance is what allows you to be authentic. You can finally relax, and allow more of the inner, real you to be seen.

Self-Love

Whereas self-esteem is an evaluation and acceptance is an attitude, love combines both feeling and action. Contrary to what many believe, self-love is healthy.

You can’t hate yourself happy. You can’t criticize yourself thin. You can’t shame yourself worthy. Real change begins with self-love and self-care. ~ Jessica Ortner

Most people think too little of themselves, not too much, and often falling in love is merely a compensation for inner emptiness, loneliness, and shame. No wonder most relationships fail (including those who stay together).

People often think that self-love and self-esteem are one and the same. But that’s not true. While they do support each other and are built from similar factors, they are different aspect of the way you view and treat yourself. Having one can help you build the other.

Just as it is not possible to love any person we meet on the spot, it is not possible to love ourselves as of now. But love can grow over time, including self-love. If we want to love ourselves, we should start behaving like someone who we can love!

In order to develop the consciousness state of self-love a third ‘self’ is required: self-compassion. Self-compassion is described as a mindful, accepting and friendly attitude towards oneself. Self-compassion is comprised of three elements: self-kindness, accepting our humanness and interdependence, mindfulness.

Self-kindness entails being gentle and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate rather than ignoring our pain or minimizing ourselves with self-criticism. Self-compassion also involves recognizing our essential interdependence and that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of our shared human experience.

Self-compassion is not equivalent with self-pity, self-indulgence and egoism. When feeling self-pity we become so immersed in our own problems that we forget that others have similar problems. In contrast, with the perspective of self- compassion we see the related experiences we share with others and widen our view.

Be the love you never received. ~ Rune Lazuli

Compassion for others results from empathy. The same with self-compassion: it arises from self-empathy. Thus, self-empathy is a prerequisite for self-compassion and self-compassion a prerequisite for self-love. The good news is: self-empathy is a skill which can be learned and developed!

In contrast to self-esteem, self-compassion is not based on self-evaluations. We don’t have to feel better than others to feel good about ourselves. With self- compassion the good feelings don’t result from our successes but from the fact that we take care of ourselves – especially when things don’t run smoothly. With self-compassion we behave like a friend would do it: She calls us to hear how we do.

The journey isn’t about becoming a different person. It’s about loving who you are right now. ~ Suzanne Heyn

Research indicates that self-compassion is superior to self-esteem in difficult times. Self-compassion catches us when self-esteem lets us down. People with pronounced self-compassion have more accurate self-concepts, less narcissism and reactive anger, more caring relationships, higher self-efficacy and emotional resilience, they are more likely to reach their goals, suffer rarely from depression and anxiety and recover better from strokes than people who meet themselves critically. Self-compassion is an indispensable qualification for mental health.

How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. ~ Rupi Kaur

From what I’ve seen, having good self-esteem is more prevalent than loving yourself. And you can have good self-esteem in some areas of your life and not in others. You might be confident about work but not your social skills. When you love yourself, you accept yourself with those shortcomings and it improves your overall self-esteem.

Pay attention to how you feel in different situations. Notice when you feel the most confident and remind yourself you’re the same person in other areas. Love it all—the very good way you handle yourself sometimes—and the times you’re not as good as you’d like to be. None of us are perfect, and it’s okay, as long as you accept that.

When we make peace with ourselves, we spontaneously make peace with the world. ~ Debbie Ford