WBW: Why Men Avoid Church: Addressing the Gender Gap

The XY Code

Does your husband avoid church? Maybe this is the case even if he loves God and strives to live a Christ-like life. Truth is, the way we do church does not appeal to most men.

David Murrow, author of Why Men Hate Going to Church, says churches changed during the industrial revolution. Large numbers of men went far from home to work in mines, mills, and factories. The women left behind remade churches into what women wanted. I would say much of what the women instituted was fine, even needed. The problem is, they didn’t add it to what was there; they made major replacements. They added things that attract women, and removed things that attract men. While I’m sure it was not the intention, what they did was create a church men wouldn’t want to attend.

Murrow says most churches appeal to women and seniors, and this is exactly who we see filling the pews of most churches. Young single men are exceptionally rare. Young and middle age married men are a bit more common, but many of them are just showing up to keep their wife from complaining. Most churches don’t offer the things men are seeking: no risk, no challenge, and no adventure.

I urge you to have an open, honest talk with your husband about church. If he’s not going, or not going often, ask him why. If he’s going to church, ask him to be brutally honest about how he feels about the church. Be open to what he thinks, realising it’s valid for him. Do not try to talk him out of what he feels. He might bury it, but it won’t change how he feels.

You and your husband need to attend a church that works for both of you, a church that meets his needs as well as it meets your needs. Maybe that means being part of a change at your church. This would be my first recommendation. If your current church isn’t willing to become what a man needs a church to be, you’ll have to consider finding a new church. I don’t lightly advise this, but it may be critical for your husband’s spiritual health. If his church isn’t challenging him, he’ll find it difficult to grow spiritually. It is even possible for the church to hurt his spiritual maturity.

BTW, this issue will become a problem for your sons as they hit the teen years. If you want to keep them engaged at church, you have to be at a church that engages young men.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and the image is how many churches look to men.

[This post first appeared Oct 31, 2014.]

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