When ‘No’ Isn’t Enough: The Trauma of Coerced Sex

The XY Code

I was reading an article in which a thirty-something woman discussed the event that messed up sex for her. In college, she had a “friends with benefits” relation with a fellow. He showed up one night when she was deep in study. He was inebriated, and made it clear he wanted sex. She wasn’t feeling it and said no. He kissed her. She kept saying no, and he kept pushing. Eventually she decided that doing it was less hassle than getting him to leave. She didn’t think he would force her, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings. She thought, “We’ve had sex so many times, why not?” Afterwards, she said she felt hollow, and said ever since she’s had “a difficult relationship with sex.”

I’m upset some men act that way. He didn’t rape her, and would have left if she insisted, but he kept pushing when he knew she didn’t want it. She convinced herself it would be okay, and had sex she didn’t want. And she’s paid for that choice for more than a decade.

My understanding is most women have engaged in sex they didn’t want. I’m not talking about hubby is horny, you’re not, and you gladly do something for him. I’m not talking about sex when you weren’t interested; I’m talking about when you were really opposed to sex. And for every time that happens, there are several more where the woman had to get ugly to make the guy back off. If any of that hits close to home for you, I’ve very sorry.

I suspect most men have no real understanding of what is, sadly, a common issue for women.

A few action points:

1. Help hubby understand this reality. Even if you avoided it, other women he knows have not.
2. Talk to your sons about this. Explain how it makes a woman feel, and ask them to care enough to never get even close to this.
3. Warn your daughters. Let them know some guys will only stop if the girl gets ugly about it. Tell them if they have to get ugly, that’s on the guy, not them. And tell them to get ugly as soon as a guy ignores a no.

~ Paul – I’m XY, and I hate that this is a thing

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