#53: Preparing the Empty Nest

Love Is Us: Exploring Relationships and How We Connect

The transition from parenthood to the empty nest can be a challenging one for many reasons. While some might revel in their new-found freedom, for many others it can send them into a tailspin as they grieve their shifting roles and loss of purpose. It's also a time when many couples divorce. Add menopause into the mix and it can feel overwhelming. This transition can, however, be an opportunity if you want it to be. Take a listen for my recommendations.

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TRANSCRIPT

Intro:

Karin: This is Love Is Us, Exploring Relationships and How We Connect. I'm your host, Karin Calde. I'll talk with people about how we can strengthen our relationships, explore who we are in those relationships, and experience a greater sense of love and connection with those around us, including ourselves. I have a PhD in clinical Psychology, practiced as a psychologist resident, and after diving into my own healing work, I went back to school and became a coach, helping individuals and couples with their relationships and personal growth. If you want to experience more love in your life and contribute to healing the disconnect so prevalent in our world today, you're in the right place. Welcome to Love Is Us.

Hello everybody. Today I'm going to be talking about one of my favorite subjects, the empty nest. Now, there's something in this episode for anyone who is a parent, whether or not your kids have left, it's ideally for those of you who have a partner and your kids are about to leave in the next few years or so. But if your kids have already taken flight and you're struggling, there's good information here for you. And while I'm going to be talking about couples and their relationships, there are lots of takeaways here for the single parent as well. Finally, while this is addressing those who are about to embark on this life transition, this is good for parents of young kids, too, because the patterns that I see with midlife couples and those who are about to experience the empty nest are often established years beforehand.

So I'm working with couples on this, and I tell you, there is so much you can do around this if you're both willing and committed to the process. And it can be a lot of fun. And it can be a really joyous time for couples as they rediscover one another, have more time to do things they never had time for before, like travel, go to concerts, start new hobbies, go back to school, volunteer, make a career shift. Now, this is not to guilt you if you don't have this experience of joy, because the Reality is that it can be a really hard time for one or both of you. It can be both of these things at the same time. It can be difficult and it can be joyous. It's a time when you say goodbye not only to your only child or your youngest child, but you also might experience a loss of purpose when they leave. So it can be really hard. And I'm going to address that issue when I give you recommendations toward the end of the episode.

Now, a lot of couples split up during this time, so I want to address that and address the reasons why this can happen. Now. There are many more reasons that I'm going to offer. These are just some of the things that I see with couples. One, there's a growing distance. You feel like roommates. This is really common. You just get really involved in other parts of your life and you just think your partner is going to be there or that's not your current priority and they can wait. Another reason is that there was something that happened or maybe a series of things that happened that caused you to feel really hurt and decided, and you decided to check out of this relationship, but you stayed for the kids. And then a third thing that I see is that you've just completely grown in different directions and your lives just no longer converge. And it is okay for couples to decide that they want a divorce, that they don't want to do this anymore. That's okay. And everyone needs to make their own choices around that. But for those of you who really want to try to make this work, there's lots that you can do.

Something I see with some couples is that they put their relationship aside for the sake of their kids. So that was that number one reason that I see that people split up. It's understandable that they do this. You love your kids, you have limited time with them. You want to be the best parent you can be, and this is your life too. You don't have to sacrifice your life for your kids. You can be good parents and look after your relationship with your partner. It's also important to recognize that when you make your relationship with your partner a priority, you're doing something good for your kids too. They want you to stay together. I believe it's also good for them to see that your life doesn't end once you have kids. You can still have friends, hobbies, a career, time for fun and relaxation, time for your relationship with your partner so that they don't view getting married or having kids as a time when they have to end the other parts of their lives. Now, you might be the parent who never wants to leave your child or teen to go on a date or a vacation with your spouse or partner, but that sends a subtle message that you don't trust that your child will be okay without you. That can add to their anxiety about doing things on their own and to an unhealthy sense of dependence on you. And I think you want your kids to grow up and have healthy, happy lives where they can be independent and fully engaged in life and in the opportunities that it presents to them. And believe it or not, investing in your relationship with your partner has a strong influence on that outcome. So, just to summarize all that, your kids seeing you invest in a relationship with your partner benefits them in different ways, including, it gives them a sense of stability, it models what a healthy relationship looks like, and it gives them confidence in themselves.

Okay, now I want to talk about something I feel really passionate about and that I bring up with most of the women in my life, whether they're friends or clients, and it's something that tends to coincide with that time when you're transitioning to an empty nest. Now, most people who become empty nesters are typically mid forty s, to mid 50s or better. And that is precisely the time when women, on average, start perimenopause and menopause, with the average age of menopause being 51. So that's menopause is defined as going one year without your period. And amongst women, suicide rates are highest for those between the ages of 45 and 64. And I'm not saying that this is because of menopause or because of becoming empty nesters or even because of relationship issues. I don't know that we have a good enough data to point to causation. I do think that menopause has a lot to do with that. But again, I can't say that for sure. But all of those things happening at approximately the same time can be really challenging, and they can certainly feed into each other. Some of the common symptoms of menopause include, and this is an abbreviated list, night sweats and hot flashes, which interrupt sleep. And of course, sleep is foundational for feeling good, being able to focus, and a lot more. So, this is big. There can be pain with sex, which might add to relationship stress, but also decreases your ability to feel pleasure, unexpected weight gain, which can contribute to body image issues, headaches, joint pain, brain fog, forgetfulness, mood changes, and an increased risk for heart disease, osteoporosis, and a lot more. And the thing is, there's something fairly easy that can make this all better. If it doesn't make your symptoms go away, it can at least reduce your symptoms, and that is hormone replacement therapy, or HRT. Now, if you're scared to go on it because breast cancer runs in your family, please go see a menopause specialist who is up on the latest research and can give you guidance. There are many, many doctors who are uninformed about this subject, and it puts women's lives at risk. They just don't have the training and they haven't kept up on the research. The current research is showing that estrogen does not cause breast cancer. There are a lot of studies that support that. And that original study that came out, I think it was in 2002, there are lots of problems with it. I just had a client that I work with who has worked in the medical field for all her life, and she saw a menopause specialist just last week and was so grateful for the experience because they talked about things that no other doctor has ever discussed with her before and she got on hormone replacement therapy. The sooner you do this, the better off you'll be, the lower risk you'll be for all kinds of diseases, and of course it'll improve your mood. But once you hit a certain age, HRT might not be the best option for you. So look into it now. If your current doctor's first line of defense is antidepressants, ask them, why not HRT first. I'm not a medical doctor, and I know there are some women for whom HRT is not recommended. So absolutely go see a specialist. But from what I'm learning, most women do well with it. So go online to the menopause society and they have a directory you can use to find someone who has specialized training in this area. Getting effective treatment during this time will likely make becoming an empty nester easier. It will also likely benefit your relationship with your partner, and it's not hyperbole to say that it just might save your life.

I now want to talk about finding your purpose during this time. Your role as a parent is only partially who you are. You have many other roles, and more importantly, you are bigger than the roles that you take on. You are certainly bigger than your role as a parent. Roles shift. That's inevitable. But you stay you. So who are you? This might be your task during this time in your life, and you can absolutely do it. And if you struggle with it, I recommend that you get some support. But I will give you some ideas for steps you can take in a moment here. But this is, like I said, often a big part of this transition for people and why it can be so very hard, but it is not something that you can't handle. It absolutely is. Now, I want to give you some action steps.

One, allow yourself to grieve. If you ignore your feelings or try to push them down, they'll just pop up in other places and they'll be out of your control. Acknowledge your very normal feelings. You are human and you're not exempt from emotions. Take comfort in the fact that you're not alone in your grief. There are lots of other people going through similar experiences and know this is part of what connects you with all the other empty nesters and all the other people going through hard things. If you're afraid that if you start crying or grieving that you won't be able to come out of it, that you'll cry forever, I want to reassure you that that's not the way it works. Emotions are like a wave. They build crest and fall off. But if you find it overwhelming and get stuck in your grief, get some support because it's available and it can really help. Also related this to this is do not put your grief onto your kids. It's not their job to take care of you emotionally. It's okay to let them know that you're going to miss them and you're sad. That's good for them to hear and to see. But it's not okay to tell them that you don't know how you're going to live without them and to tell them that they need to call you every day. And that is just a lot to put on a kid who is also going through a lot. This is a big transition for them too, so don't make it about you. When you're with your child, it's your job to be their parent and be their support system. And you will be in a much better position to support them if you take care of your own emotional needs and use other sources of support in your life.

Okay, so on to couples. Spend time together daily. At least ten minutes of facetime at least. And this can be doing anything, but hopefully not when you're distracted doing anything else. Really put your time and attention on your partner. If you're not sure what to do during that time, have it be a time when you ask about their day and just really work on your listening skills. Really be present. The next step or the next tip is also around relationships and can help you during that time together. And that is to get curious about one another. You probably don't know your partner as well as you think you do, even though you've probably been with them for several years, even decades. A lot has happened since you first got together and fell in love. So get curious about one another again. Ask each other questions. Ask each other about those stories that you've heard before, but ask them a different question about it so that you can learn something new. Next step, rediscover one another in the bedroom. Now this is a big topic, so I'm not going to go into detail today, but you can always listen to episode number 43 with Alexandra Stockwell. But it does start with curiosity.

Okay, the next step is to get in front of this as much as possible. Don't wait until your child is out the door before you start paying attention to your relationship with your partner and your relationship with yourself. Do this now. Don't wait for your child to leave and then realize that you're in crisis, because it'll be much harder that way. And if you're in a relationship, have a conversation with your partner about how you're feeling and how you care about your relationship so that you want to take steps to make sure you can weather the coming life transition. So I'd recommend you do that.

Okay. On to finding you new purpose. What moves you forward and gets you out of bed every day? It might have been your kids up until this point, and that's changing. But it starts with identifying your values, which shift over time. So it's good to revisit those periodically, especially when you're in transition or you've experienced a significant shift in your life. Values are your anchors. They're who you are at your core. And they can guide these next steps, which are to identify something new that you want to do. Focus on your friendships. Take guitar lessons. Take a pottery class. Start a community garden. Start meditating. Start a book club. The possibilities are endless, but line them up with your values so that it feels good to you. It feels in line with you and authentic. Ask yourself, what would light you up? Perhaps there's something you've always wanted to do but never gave yourself permission to. Even speak out loud. And write these down. Set some goals for yourself. Have something you can look forward to. Okay?

And then my last recommendation is to create a vision for what you want your life to look like, whether you're on your own or you have a partner. And if you do have a partner, I would recommend you do this in two ways. You do it on your own, and then you do it with your partner. So what do you want your life to look like in ten years? Where are you living? What are you doing? What are you feeling with your financial situation? All those things. And I do have an exercise for this, so let me know if you're interested in that.

You have spent over four, five decades building your life. If you haven't started really enjoying it and all that you've built now is the time. Change is inevitable. Everything is always changing. And for you, coming to accept that, inevitability might really help, but it's time to enjoy all the fruits of your labor. And yes, you deserve it. And this reminds me of this book that I recently read. You might have heard of it. It's by Pema Chodron, and she's a well known American Tibetan-Buddhist, and she's written several beautiful books packed with wisdom. So a book I just finished reading is, I think, her most popular one. It's called when things fall apart. And I couldn't find the quote that I was thinking about around this, but it's essentially, it's this thing that Buddhists are always trying to get you to wake up to, and that is that your life is now. So don't wait until tomorrow to make that change. Don't wait until tomorrow to pay attention to your partner and make things better. This is your life now. And then finally, I want to leave you with a quote also from Pema Chodron's When things fall apart. And I think it's just really a great one to think about. She says, I used to have a sign pinned up on my wall that read, only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. It was all about letting go of everything. All right, everybody, thanks for being here, and I'll see you next time.

Thanks for joining us today on Love Is Us. If you like the show, I would so appreciate it if you left me a review. If you have questions and would like to follow me on social media, you can find me on Instagram where I'm the love and connection coach. Special thanks to Tim Gorman for my music, Ali Shaw for my artwork, and Ross Burdick for tech and editing assistance. Again, I'm so glad you joined us today, because the best way to bring more love into your life and into the world is to be loved. The best way to be love is to love yourself and those around you. Let's learn and be inspired together.