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Season Two, Episode Three: How the Past Affects Our Present Relationships
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Part Two: The Power of Patterns
In the second part of this two-part series on relationships, we look at how repeating patterns of conflict are created in relationships, and we look at how to identify and address these negative cycles.
First, we discuss how our earliest experiences as infants with our caregivers condition the neurophysiological basis of these patterns. Second, we discuss how the experiences we have in childhood with our larger family system and with other children shape our cognitive-behavioral patterns within relationships. In the third part of the episode, we explore how these patterns can be identified and addressed on your own or within a therapy relationship.
In order to understand our destructive patterns, we must embark on a mindful evaluation of our significant relationships by conducting a relationship inventory. For each person we consider to have been a significant relationship in our life, we examine what attracted us to that person, what the good aspects of the relationship were, what the trouble spots of the relationship were, and what ultimately broke up the relationship (or, in relationships that are still active, we look at how difficult conflicts are resolved between us and our partner).
We analyze the dynamics of the relationship not to assign blame, but to understand how difficulties gain a foothold in our relationships and to see what might be driving them. We look for how these patterns affect our partner selection criteria, our evaluation of the quality of our relationships, and our communication strategy with our partner. Ultimately, our goal is to see what has to change in order to end these destructive patterns and to create the conditions for healthier, more connected relationships.
We can learn to understand how we came to co-create recurring negative patterns in our relationships, and we can learn how to make positive changes in the way we select a potential partner, evaluate a relationship, and communicate with our partner. We can make changes that bring us closer to fulfilling the full potential of loving partnership.
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Recorded and edited at Studio 970West, Grand Junction, CO.
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